What Accusations? Oh yeah, the ones WE DEBUNKED
Recently it came to the attention of the Anti-Samfamation League that several outright lies were posted online about Sam and his character. As this is one of the chief functions of the League, we have gone to many lengths to make sure his name is cleared. Below we will go through the different accusations.
Claim 1. 'Commie Ball'
Claim: " Sam was recently spotted at the annual North Korean Commie Ball".
Truth: Picture taken on 'Communism Awareness Day' to help spread the danger of the Soviet Regime and it's influence on the world. Proof Sam is an activist. Besides, he would never put the dirty hammer and sickel of the Bolsheviks anywhere near his person. His National Socialist upbringing would, uh, moving on.
Claim 2: 'Irresponsible'
Claim: ' Sam has been known to drink and drive, but did you know he once did it with adolesence in the vehicle with him?'
Truth: Scientific fact that one glass of wine a day is good for you. Did the Doctors say where to drink that one glass each day? No? That's right. Jump on the Sam-wagon, it's gonna be a party.
Truth 2: Sam was rescuing kittens and small children from a fire, rushing them to the nearest hospital. So yes, there were adolesent beings in the car. Did anyone die? No.
Claim 3: 'Cruelty'
Claim: 'Long known animal hater, Sam has actually been caught poisoning a poor defensless zebra'
Truth: Sam would never hurt any animal. What you think is 'poison' is actually nutritious Zebra-grain, made to grow stripes on Zebra's who haven't yet, boosting their self confidence and self esteem. Sam volunteers and the Center for Un-striped Zebras every week. Besides, Sam feels that, "Animals are the only ones who truly understand him", much like his mentor, Adol... moving on.
Claim 4: 'Opressor'
Claim: ' Sam has been spotted on MULTIPLE occasions burning the books of the people.'
Truth: If Sam is oppressing anything in this picture, it's that hairdo. DAMN. Own it Sam. Alsothebooksarehebrewliteraturesonobigdeal.
Claim 5: 'Addiction'
Claim: ' Habitual drug use has lead to impaired judgement and damaged brain cells.'
Truth: Sam was in a tragic nationalistic pride induced accident at a Beer-Hall, causing him to need to be on medication. This medication is only allowed to be breathed in through the nostrils. No big deal.